Do Not Allow Anyone to Steal Your Peace

The following is an essay by Kelly of www.flylady.net. She gave me permission to publish it here, and I plan to read it everyday until I don't need to anymore.

We are heading in to the holidays, this usually means we are going to be spending time with friends and family members. We often find that the ones we are closest to are the ones that will say things to us that are not meant to hurt (or sometimes they are) but yet you feel the hurt. There are several ways to not allow yourself to get caught in that downward spiral of hurting.Remember that you are Special!! No matter what anyone says to you or how they say it, you are a very special person because you are YOU! You are a smart, capable, loving individual that is FLYing!Remember that you can't change how people behave – you can only change your reaction to their behavior. This means if your cousin Millie always looks down her nose at you and has a tendency to treat you poorly – feel pity for her because most likely she is a very insecure person that can only feel good about herself when she is hurting others to make herself feel good. People like this do not know what it is like to FLY!Remember that "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" (Eleanor Roosevelt) This means that you need to keep things in perspective and not give permission to yourself to get caught up in feeling inferior to anyone!!! Do not give anyone the power to hurt you, keep the power of FLYing around you as a shield and wear it proudly.Keep in mind an old saying "those who anger you conquer you". This means that if you give someone the power to hurt you or make you angry than they have won. They have managed to beat you up without straining themselves because you gave them the ability to do so! Keep in mind that unhappy people have a need to ridicule or talk behind your back and yet some "helpful" family member will want to make sure you know about it, sometimes to protect you and sometimes to be the gossiping middleman. I have experienced this in many ways and I promise you that truly the best way to handle this is with grace and dignity. Do not respond to mean and unhappy people. It is not worth getting dragged into a family nightmare. The unhappy ones always have a way of twisting things so that they will always be someone else's fault. Do not bother getting down in the gutter of misery with these kinds of people. Remind yourself that you are FLYing and that loving yourself is far more important than what unhappy and miserable people think or say about you.

YOU know you are worthy and deserving of love not hurt. When you feel that you can no longer let things slide or roll off your back, it is perfectly acceptable to say in a low quiet voice "I am sure that you did not intentionally mean to hurt my feelings, but you have. Excuse me I see someone I need to speak with" and WALK AWAY! See, you did not cause a scene or publicly embarrass the sad person that was trying to get your goat, you were polite, firm and left them alone without them getting the last word. Leave them with the words that you spoke not tears or anger. You are FLYing, this means taking care of you……. Finally Loving YOURSELF!!!!You are entitled to a fun, loving, joyful and peaceful holiday season. Do not let anyone take that away from you! FLY through the Holidays!!! Do this for YOU!

I wrote the following to Kelly in regard to her essay:


Kelly,

I can't tell you how much the above essay has helped me. I live with my son and DIL and take care of their son when they are working. Unfortunately, my DIL and I cannot get along! To me, she is a very negative person and everything I do, she criticizes or does over. (Of course, I'm perfect-LOL.) My "pride" has let myself fight back with her when she says something hurtful, but that only causes more problems and is really stressing my poor son out. He says that she has said she worries about causing him stress also. So I've decided that when she is at home, I'll let her do the chores. I'll ask if I can help, but if she says no thanks, I'll take her at her word. And when she says something hurtful, I'll try to calmly say "I know you didn't mean to hurt my feelings, but you did, so please excuse me, I have some things to do in my room."

I've saved your essay in my blog, and I'd like to publish it there; may I have your permission to do so? Thanks so much for your help!

Kelly replied:

You have permission to use it in the blog as long as you give credit to www.flylady.net
The MIL and DIL relationship is a difficult one at best. She is getting something out of criticizing you or re-doing things. What I mean is that she has something that she feels insecure about and it is possible that she sees your help as something that she should have done. Your doing means she didn't. Therefore criticizing or re-doing them make her feel better. Healthy - no, but it is all she has to work with. It also allows her to be a victim of I have to do everything. You will never when the battle or the war when dealing with someone of that mentality. You will have to feel good about what you do and leave it there.

As Dr. Phil will say - this relationship needs a hero. You can be the hero by saying less, do what is needed and loving everyone including yourself.
Love,
Kelly