Twelve Days of Christmas

The following is an essay which I believe was written by Jean Shepherd, who also wrote The Christmas Story.

Miss Agnes Carter
69 Sugarplum Lane
Des Moines,Ia

December 14, 1987

My Dearest John,

I just recieved your lovely gift, a partridge in a pear tree. How thoughtful and beautiful. Thank you for the delightful gift.

Love Always,
Agnes

December 15, 1987

Darling John,

Today your beautiful gift arrived, two turtle doves. I just love them and they remind me of us. I just can't wait to see you and show you how much I love them.
Always and Forever,
Agnes

December 16, 1987

Well, you sweet romantic devil, you've done it again. Three french hens! They really are lovely but don't you think they're a little extravagant? You are so sweet.
See you soon,
Agnes

December 17, 1987

Today when i got home from work there were four calling birds on my front porch. They really are sweet, but a little loud. I really must say sweetheart, You're being TOO kind!
Fondly,
Agnes

December 18, 1987

Dear John,

Oh darling, you are just the sweetest man ever. Five golden rings, one for each finger! They are so beautiful. Thanks so much. To be honest all those birds squawking was beginning to get on my nerves.
Forever yours,
Agnes

December 19, 1987

Dear John,

I woke up this morning and saw six geese a laying in my backyard. So, you're back to the birds again huh? PLEASE don't send anymore birds, the squawking is really giving me a headache, so enough with the birds OK?
Sincerely,
Agnes

December 20, 1987

John,I asked you to stop with the f***ing birds, didn't I????? Well today your seven swans a swimming were dumped in my pool. Ever try to clean a pool with all this bird crap in it? They're running through the whole house and it is beginning to stink. SO STOP WITH THE F***ING BIRDS!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!
Agnes

December 21, 1987

John,

I have had it. I guess you think you're a wit sending eight maids a milking. Well you're half right. Did you realize that the eight maids would have eight COWS, along with them? The whole house and yard smells like a damned barnyard. I feel like screaming, but nobody would hear me over this racket. The neighbors are starting to complain, and one has reported me to the health department. Thanks a lot you jerk!!!!!!!!!!!!
Agnes

December 22, 1987

Listen you idiot,Who do you think I am, P.T. Barnum? You must think i am running a ***ing circus here. Nine pipers piping. Four of them are off key, four more are trying to get in the milk maids bloomers, and the last one is looking longingly at the Guernsey with the long eyelashes. Where do you shop for your gifts, Tortures "R" Us?? I am up to here in cow shit and the city is going to have my house condemned. Go take a flying leap you stinking moron.

I HATE YOUR GUTS FOREVER,
Agnes

December 23, 1987

Hey Shithead!!!

What do I have to do to make you understand? Ten ladies dancing. I don't know how you could call those sluts ladies, they've been balling the pipers all night long. The cows are sick and have diarrhea, you stupid sonofabitch. The only good thing that has happened, is the cows have stomped all over the screeching birds and are killing them one by one. They couldn't die fast enough for me!!! I'll get you for this if it's the last thing I do!!!!!

YOUR SWORN ENEMY,
Agnes

December 24, 1987

YOU'RE A DEAD MAN NOW!!!!!Well this is it, eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies.Some of those broads will never walk again! Thankfully the last of the 23 lousy birds croaked this morning. I am up to my ass in dead birds and cow shit, and do you have any idea how much these deadbeat "lords" eat? I'll have to file bankruptcy, thanks to you, you mother-fucker. I despise the ground you walk on, and if I ever see you again, You're one dead S**ofaB****!

SPITTING ON YOUR GRAVE.....
Agnes

The Law Offices of Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe
8756 Main Street
Des Moines, IA

December 25, 1987

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest "gift" of twelve (12) drummers drumming, and to inform you that Miss Agnes Carter has retained this office to, in her words, "sue the fucking pants off the motherfucking sonofabitch". We are confident that the court will agree that damages in this case are extreme. Miss Carters' house has been condemned by the health department, the animal protection society has placed her on their top ten list of wanted animal abusers, and four pregnant milk maids are suing her for child support. Naturally we are counter suing you as the cause of all of this. Have a Merry Christmas, and we will see you in court.

Sincerely yours,


J. Cheatem
Attorney at Law

P.S. Any further personal correspondence to Miss Carter should be sent in care of the Happy Dale Sanitarium.